by Monica DiCristina, Staff Therapist, LifeGate Counseling Center in Atlanta

There is power in naming things. It defines and illuminates what was previously blurred in shadows.  When we name something, we become clear about what we’re dealing with.  Often, we don’t know how to articulate what’s happening internally, so we stall and get stuck. However, once we’re able to name our issues, we’re free to take the next step: how will we respond?

Cognitive-Emotive Dissonance is a technical-sounding term for something all too common we all experience but may leave un-named.  I am, admittedly, a fan of technical words; they sound very official.  However, the real power is in the stunningly simple definition.  Cognitive-emotive dissonance “is that strange, ‘funny’ feeling of wrongness that occurs every time we do, think, or feel something that is the opposite to which we are accustomed.  Because it feels wrong, it gives us the impression it is wrong.  Cognitive-emotive dissonance is normal and unavoidable. “ ( from The Client’s Guide to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, by Dr. Aldo Pucci).

When you start believing a new healthy thought, like, “I’m worthy of love”, and you’re not accustomed to such a belief about yourself, then you should expect this funny, uncomfortable feeling as you practice your true—yet new—belief.  Our emotions do not always necessarily reflect the truth about us.  It can take great courage to believe a new healthy truth about yourself.  We should know that some awkwardness is to be expected in that transition, and is not cause to abandon the work, but only a normal part of the journey.

by Monica DiCristina, Staff Therapist, LifeGate Counseling Center, Atlanta

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.”

“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand… once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

- Margery Williams Bianco, The Velveteen Rabbit or How Toys Become Real

I’ve always loved this quote from The Velveteen Rabbit because I find it beautifully describes the journey to wholeness. “Becoming” is a way of looking at life that’s antithetical to our culture of hurry and comfort. It takes time for wounds to be healed, for unhealthy habits to be unlearned and new ones to be formed. What I find so powerful about the Skin Horse’s wise words is that it reframes the process for us and shows us the other side. We may not even be aware of how the events and relationships in our lives shape us into who we are.  We’re never as pretty and shiny as when we started, but the real parts, the traits and experiences that last and form the foundation of our identity, are forged through a long process of love and growth.

Often, we resent the process that transforms us.  It may mean learning to overcome anxiety or learning a new way to love and communicate with your spouse.  Those aren’t changes that feel good, and sometimes they involve lots of practice and hard work. However, it’s in relationships that we can become real, that we can allow our authentic love-worn selves to take shape.

We can’t manually fill ourselves with ideas and beliefs to complete the process. We can’t hurry it, either. Wholeness is a process. It takes time. It requires lots of love. It inevitably involves pain. The result, however, is deep and long-lasting.  If we allow ourselves to be loved by those that are safe in our lives, ourselves, and by God we can really become the best versions of our selves.

As we have closed last year and start this New Year, what are the areas in your life that changed you in a way you now appreciate?  Perhaps some of the moments were difficult but sharpened or softened you.  What are the areas and relationships currently in your life that you can slow down, re-examine, and allow to transform you into the kind of person you want to be?

When I finally arrived home late after a long day and desperately longing to eat dinner and relax, I discovered my wife doing her best post-”crunchtime” (that’s what we call the 4-8pm frenetic wrangling of four kids coercing them into homework, dinner, baths, & bedtime) “mommy self-care” routine of watching HGTV.

In stealth mode, I sneak into my safe leather man-chair attempting to calmly settle in when suddenly she points with enthusiastic exhilaration to the TV and dramatically pronounces, “That is what I want to do to our kitchen!”

Like many of my buddies, I somehow didn’t hear anything but a “cha-ching” sound in my head eerily similar to that of a cash register that won’t stop ringing in a new expensive sale…

So, without even a second to think rationally, I proceed to be suddenly filed with adrenaline as I quickly remind her that she forgot about our budget talk from the week before and that she was not being my teammate and so on and so on…Although, I was quite impressed with my defensive litigating strategy, my wife however was not so.  She didn’t seem to be at all persuaded that I was right to completely dismiss her and squash out her voice in attempt to accomplish my goal of protecting my ego as a competent provider.

She stood up, passionately stamped her foot with emotional tears and declared some criticisms of my character.  This obviously pushed something in me further fueling more incessant case-proving to desperately convince her of her wrong perspective to which she reacted with more emotion and hurtful criticisms until she retreated in disgust to the kitchen (that I think is perfectly fine) to indulge in her second favorite mommy self-care, chocolate ice-cream.  Thus, one quick misinterpreted comment quickly led to a vicious cycle of negative communication…a dead end dance that led only to disconnection and hurt feelings.

How did this happen?  In this blog, I will cover simply the first step…identify the real problem.

Recognize the real “storm”.  See the problem as the problem, not your partner as the problem.  The issue is no longer the issue when one person feels threatened or alone and disconnected.  In that moment, its your reaction to that hurt that then pushes your partner’s buttons thus resulting in their knee-jerk reaction to your reaction.  Thus, hurting your feelings even more, creating a very quick domino effect of hurtful behaviors each triggering more hurtful behaviors.  When you and your spouse are in that vicious dance of knee-jerk reacting, the original issue is no longer the issue.  The issue is now the cycle of reacting.  That is the “storm” that is tearing apart the house of safety your marriage so longs to be.

Recognize the storm… whether you see it way out on the horizon before it gets close so you can step aside and move out of its path; or as its tearing the roof off your house.  You might not even see it until after your house is torn apart and you come up from the basement and evaluate the damage left behind.  Either way, at whatever point you can recognize that the storm hit, you will have just found an opportunity to repair the connection.  Stay tuned for parts 2-4 in coming days…

Let me know your thoughts?  How often does this happen to your communication in marriage?  How do you recognize the madness and turn around?  Share your thoughts below…

Join us for a Coffee Talk with other women about breaking out of the insecurity trap.

Whether it’s wondering what others think of you, feeling like an outsider in a group of people, or struggling to receive the love you need, most of us have wrestled with insecurity at some point and in some way.

Our insecurities can lead to self-doubt, increased anxiety, and barriers in our friendships and romantic relationships.  In short, insecurity robs us of the opportunity to become the person we were meant to be and to truly connect with others.

Join LifeGate Counseling Center’s Mazi Robinson on Tuesday, November 8th at 7:30 in The Lodge Café as she discusses strategies to move out of the trap of insecurity and into a life where we can receive love from others and ourselves.

Questions?  Contact Miriam Ryan at mryan@peachtreepres.org  or Mazi Robinson at mazi@lifegatecenter.org.

Moms of Atlanta!  Get your running shoes out and get ready for our race.

Come Mother’s Day, 2012, we’ll be hosting our first ever MamaBear 5K.  We want you to join us!

Next Mother’s Day, 2012, we will be hosting the 1st Annual LifeGate MamaBear 5K Race. This will be an epic new event for Buckhead families to celebrate mom! There will be local vendors offering their premier tasty treats, games for the kiddos, a sign-making station for kids to create and champion encouragement for mom or dad during the race!

Come join us for the race!

Moms will cross the finish line to an explosion of cheers with a hyped-up party to honor their incredible faithfulness as mom! This is LifeGate’s premier event for generating funds to support the transformational services of counseling for families in Atlanta who otherwise might not be able to afford such high quality care. The gear you get is incredible and the t-shirts will be the best in race swag! Please forward this onto everyone and help us raise support and awareness of LifeGate’s unlimited opportunity to help make ATL the greatest city for healthy families! May 12th, 2012. Buckhead. Peachtree Presbyterian Church. 3434 Roswell Rd.