by Todd Sandel, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, LifeGate Counseling, Atlanta

Last night, my wife was recalling a conversation with one of her dearest friends yesterday that seemed to really bring her quite a bit of sadness.  Her friend (mid 30′s) had just received a very direct and hurtful email from her mother (mid 60′s) blasting her for being a “thoughtless and inconsiderate daughter”.  Apparently, weeks earlier, this same mother had unfortunately sent a similar but more toxic email to her son (upper 30′s) with bullet points on how “terrible” he is as a son, a father, and a husband.  I’ll spare the rest of the horrific details of these two blistering diatribes delivered by one very hurt mother.  The result is that in both of these scenarios these adult children felt deeply cut to the core of who each was as a person by their mother (of all people- the one who is most responsible for nurturing love).  The mother of these respectable and responsible adult children could have simply helped them see that some of their behaviors, although inconsistent with who they are as wonderful people, have unfortunately caused her hurt feelings in some way.  This would have created safety for their children to on one hand feel cared for and properly nurtured by their mother and helped them be able to listen to understand what they may have inadvertently done to hurt her.  Unfortunately, this was not how this mother handled her pain.

THE PROBLEM

As my wife and I were discussing this scenario, we realized that often times, when someone sends those vicious emails, they are deeply hurting in some way and desperately longing for a closer, more secure connection with the person to whom the venom was sent.  The problem is that by reaching out for a closer connection in that manner, (obliterating the core character of the person), they not only don’t get the connection they so long for, but instead, they end up pushing the person further away tipping off a spin cycle of more hurt-blame-distance-hurt-blame-distance, and so on.  Therefore, they unfortunately worsen their already fragile connection with that person they apparently love the most.  The result is more resentment and distance between them.

HOW TO CHANGE?

1) Take Personal Responsibility:

In order to reverse this trend in your relationship with someone you deeply love who has somehow demonstrated behavior you feel is hurtful to you, first recognize that this scenario is about YOU.  YOU are actually communicating to someone how hurt you are by tearing them apart at the core of who they are.  Admitting this truth immediately empowers you to take action to change the situation rather than waiting in blame for the other person to change their behavior (which you have zero control over).

2) Identify Your Relational Goal: Connect Before You Correct

You most likely aren’t sending this message to your loved one because you want to cut off the relationship for good.  If that is your goal, congratulations, you succeeded very well and you can pat yourself on the back and stop reading this blog.  However, if that is not your goal (most of you I assume) then you most likely deeply desire a closer, improved connection with that person.  Great!  Then, position your attitude and words accordingly.  If you want a closer connection, there is something about this person you adore, appreciate, admire, respect, etc… Yes?  Then, lead with that as your goal: to connect, not just correct.

3) Target the Behavior, NOT the Person:

This would sound like, “I first want you to know that I deeply care for you and see you as a responsible, respectable loving son/daughter.  I deeply long for closeness with you and somehow for some reason, I didn’t take it too well when I experienced your recent behavior of __________.  That seems very inconsistent for how I see you as a wonderful caring son.  I’m sure you may not have even known or intended it to hurt me and I appreciate and trust that.  I would love to talk with you soon to clarify what you meant because I do believe in you.”  What this shows is that you care for the person and in no way want to demoralize their character.  This helps the person feel safe enough to want to hear and validate your hurt so they can be sure they too keep the relationship secure and healthy.  You are then able to help them see that its the behaviors that were hurtful.  This leads to a partnership on both sides to change whatever they can to build a deeper closeness with the other.

What about your situation?  Have you ever been stuck feeling ridiculed by someone you care for and unsure what to do?

by Monica DiCristina, Staff Therapist, LifeGate www.lifegatecenter.org

“The best way out is always through.”–Robert Frost

There are times when the journey out of pain involves facing a problem we’re prone to avoid. It’s a natural instinct—and always the right one in cases involving abuse—to separate ourselves from the pain-causing agent. We want to get away from it immediately, but our pain is there to teach us something. It shows us that something is wrong, and so when we avoid it, we inevitably avoid that important lesson as well. We are not meant to live pain-free lives, and injury allows us to know where our boundaries should fall. If it weren’t for our ability to feel pain, we’d burn ourselves holding hot pans, leaving our bodies in need of repair.

So what does it mean to face a problem instead of avoiding it? We all need to learn to create a safe enough place— within ourselves or with a trusted friend or counselor first— to feel the pain. Feeling the pain won’t destroy us, though we often live like it will. If we avoid it, it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. We’ve just lost the opportunity to learn and grow from the lesson it’s teaching us. The redemptive power of God in our lives can change us, though, and can empower us to help others change, too. We won’t be free of pain, just better equipped to deal with difficulties when we encounter them.

We may feel like we have more control when we don’t allow ourselves to feel pain or be bothered, but it’s not true. We’re in better control when we’re able to choose how to respond to our pain. If we’re not authentic in facing our difficulties, then we run the risk of repeating the same harmful patterns, burning our hands over and over again. We may just have to walk through the pain to move past it.

By Monica DiCristina, Staff Counselor, LifeGate Counseling Center, Atlanta

A friendship is a “non-romantic relationship that is attachment-based rather than function-based.” In other words, friends are those people who we do not have to be around for any role in our life, but instead who we choose to be around voluntarily.  We are friends with someone because we want to be, because of the attachment we have to them.  This attachment can be threatened however, when healthy limits are not maintained or respected.

Here are some common boundary conflicts in friendships:

Compliant/Compliant

This relationship is typically marked by disappointment.  Neither party is doing what they really want out of fear of hurting the other person.  Compliant people often come from backgrounds where they had to avoid saying no to keep someone happy, and they still deny their own boundaries to do so.  Compliant people need to find support in a group, or the support of a counselor as they learn to set boundaries.  Setting small boundaries, such as personal preferences (at a restaurant, in music) is a good place to start.

Compliant/Aggressive Controller

This relationship can be identified by the compliant person’s inability to set boundaries and the aggressive controller’s inability to respect those limits.  Both people need to take ownership for their parts; the compliant person must recognize that she is volunteering all the power to her friend, and the aggressive controller (who most likely had little training in delaying gratification and taking responsibility) needs learn to accept the “no” of another and respect her limits.  The terms of this friendship must be re-negotiated if it is to continue.

Compliant/Manipulative Controller

The compliant person in this relationship often resents the favors and last minute errands she does for her friend.  The manipulative controller was likely brought up in a scenario in which she was often rescued from her own problems and has never had to take responsibility for her own lack of planning and discipline.  The compliant person will need to say no to her friend, and hopefully the manipulative controller through heart-felt conversation and real life consequences can learn to plan ahead and take ownership for herself.

Compliant/Non-Responsive

In this relationship, one person carries all the responsibility for the friendship, while the other person, likely used to this role in her relationships, finds that she likes being pursued and not contributing.  The compliant person would be helped by having a conversation with her friend about this dynamic and setting some boundaries about how much weight for maintaining the friendship she is going to carry.

In order to make changes in our relationships we need support from those who love us unconditionally and respect our boundaries.  We need to see that we will not be alone if we stand up for ourselves in a relationship with boundary conflicts.  Limits in friendships should strengthen, not injure the relationship.  Do you see yourself or one of your friendships in any of these common types of boundary conflicts?

 (Information adapted from Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend)

By Monica DiCristina, Staff Counselor at LifeGate Counseling Center, Atlanta 

This is one of my favorite questions. And more often than not, the answer turns out to be “Yes.”

Normal is a continuum.  None of us are completely normal because such a thing doesn’t exist, but we likely fall somewhere on the long range of normal.  And there are different “normals”, too.  What’s abnormal behavior for you may be normal for someone who is struggling with an illness, mental or physical.

Why is it so powerful to have your feelings and experiences normalized? Have you ever found out someone you know or that person’s child exhibits the same behavior your kids do, and you breathe a sigh of relief? To hear that your situation isn’t unique, even by an individual who hasn’t experienced the same thing, releases you to focus on the issue at hand instead of the circular questioning that arises when you try to determine whether or not you are alone.  The anxiety is greatly relieved when we find another who has had the same experience because the isolation of “being the only one” creates shame.

The shame of feeling abnormal can keep us from getting the help and support we need, but it’s very unlikely that you’re the only person facing your issues.  Don’t let the fear of being the only one keep you from the mercy and help you need. God advises us to come to Him in our time of need, qualifying it with our natural concerns: nothing we share with Him is too much.

Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers.  We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality.  He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin.  So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give.

Take the mercy; accept the help.

(Hebrews 4:14-16, The Message)

by Monica DiCristina, Staff Therapist, LifeGate Counseling Center in Atlanta

There is power in naming things. It defines and illuminates what was previously blurred in shadows.  When we name something, we become clear about what we’re dealing with.  Often, we don’t know how to articulate what’s happening internally, so we stall and get stuck. However, once we’re able to name our issues, we’re free to take the next step: how will we respond?

Cognitive-Emotive Dissonance is a technical-sounding term for something all too common we all experience but may leave un-named.  I am, admittedly, a fan of technical words; they sound very official.  However, the real power is in the stunningly simple definition.  Cognitive-emotive dissonance “is that strange, ‘funny’ feeling of wrongness that occurs every time we do, think, or feel something that is the opposite to which we are accustomed.  Because it feels wrong, it gives us the impression it is wrong.  Cognitive-emotive dissonance is normal and unavoidable. “ ( from The Client’s Guide to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, by Dr. Aldo Pucci).

When you start believing a new healthy thought, like, “I’m worthy of love”, and you’re not accustomed to such a belief about yourself, then you should expect this funny, uncomfortable feeling as you practice your true—yet new—belief.  Our emotions do not always necessarily reflect the truth about us.  It can take great courage to believe a new healthy truth about yourself.  We should know that some awkwardness is to be expected in that transition, and is not cause to abandon the work, but only a normal part of the journey.

by Monica DiCristina, Staff Therapist, LifeGate Counseling Center, Atlanta

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.”

“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand… once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

- Margery Williams Bianco, The Velveteen Rabbit or How Toys Become Real

I’ve always loved this quote from The Velveteen Rabbit because I find it beautifully describes the journey to wholeness. “Becoming” is a way of looking at life that’s antithetical to our culture of hurry and comfort. It takes time for wounds to be healed, for unhealthy habits to be unlearned and new ones to be formed. What I find so powerful about the Skin Horse’s wise words is that it reframes the process for us and shows us the other side. We may not even be aware of how the events and relationships in our lives shape us into who we are.  We’re never as pretty and shiny as when we started, but the real parts, the traits and experiences that last and form the foundation of our identity, are forged through a long process of love and growth.

Often, we resent the process that transforms us.  It may mean learning to overcome anxiety or learning a new way to love and communicate with your spouse.  Those aren’t changes that feel good, and sometimes they involve lots of practice and hard work. However, it’s in relationships that we can become real, that we can allow our authentic love-worn selves to take shape.

We can’t manually fill ourselves with ideas and beliefs to complete the process. We can’t hurry it, either. Wholeness is a process. It takes time. It requires lots of love. It inevitably involves pain. The result, however, is deep and long-lasting.  If we allow ourselves to be loved by those that are safe in our lives, ourselves, and by God we can really become the best versions of our selves.

As we have closed last year and start this New Year, what are the areas in your life that changed you in a way you now appreciate?  Perhaps some of the moments were difficult but sharpened or softened you.  What are the areas and relationships currently in your life that you can slow down, re-examine, and allow to transform you into the kind of person you want to be?

When I finally arrived home late after a long day and desperately longing to eat dinner and relax, I discovered my wife doing her best post-”crunchtime” (that’s what we call the 4-8pm frenetic wrangling of four kids coercing them into homework, dinner, baths, & bedtime) “mommy self-care” routine of watching HGTV.

In stealth mode, I sneak into my safe leather man-chair attempting to calmly settle in when suddenly she points with enthusiastic exhilaration to the TV and dramatically pronounces, “That is what I want to do to our kitchen!”

Like many of my buddies, I somehow didn’t hear anything but a “cha-ching” sound in my head eerily similar to that of a cash register that won’t stop ringing in a new expensive sale…

So, without even a second to think rationally, I proceed to be suddenly filed with adrenaline as I quickly remind her that she forgot about our budget talk from the week before and that she was not being my teammate and so on and so on…Although, I was quite impressed with my defensive litigating strategy, my wife however was not so.  She didn’t seem to be at all persuaded that I was right to completely dismiss her and squash out her voice in attempt to accomplish my goal of protecting my ego as a competent provider.

She stood up, passionately stamped her foot with emotional tears and declared some criticisms of my character.  This obviously pushed something in me further fueling more incessant case-proving to desperately convince her of her wrong perspective to which she reacted with more emotion and hurtful criticisms until she retreated in disgust to the kitchen (that I think is perfectly fine) to indulge in her second favorite mommy self-care, chocolate ice-cream.  Thus, one quick misinterpreted comment quickly led to a vicious cycle of negative communication…a dead end dance that led only to disconnection and hurt feelings.

How did this happen?  In this blog, I will cover simply the first step…identify the real problem.

Recognize the real “storm”.  See the problem as the problem, not your partner as the problem.  The issue is no longer the issue when one person feels threatened or alone and disconnected.  In that moment, its your reaction to that hurt that then pushes your partner’s buttons thus resulting in their knee-jerk reaction to your reaction.  Thus, hurting your feelings even more, creating a very quick domino effect of hurtful behaviors each triggering more hurtful behaviors.  When you and your spouse are in that vicious dance of knee-jerk reacting, the original issue is no longer the issue.  The issue is now the cycle of reacting.  That is the “storm” that is tearing apart the house of safety your marriage so longs to be.

Recognize the storm… whether you see it way out on the horizon before it gets close so you can step aside and move out of its path; or as its tearing the roof off your house.  You might not even see it until after your house is torn apart and you come up from the basement and evaluate the damage left behind.  Either way, at whatever point you can recognize that the storm hit, you will have just found an opportunity to repair the connection.  Stay tuned for parts 2-4 in coming days…

Let me know your thoughts?  How often does this happen to your communication in marriage?  How do you recognize the madness and turn around?  Share your thoughts below…

Join us for a Coffee Talk with other women about breaking out of the insecurity trap.

Whether it’s wondering what others think of you, feeling like an outsider in a group of people, or struggling to receive the love you need, most of us have wrestled with insecurity at some point and in some way.

Our insecurities can lead to self-doubt, increased anxiety, and barriers in our friendships and romantic relationships.  In short, insecurity robs us of the opportunity to become the person we were meant to be and to truly connect with others.

Join LifeGate Counseling Center’s Mazi Robinson on Tuesday, November 8th at 7:30 in The Lodge Café as she discusses strategies to move out of the trap of insecurity and into a life where we can receive love from others and ourselves.

Questions?  Contact Miriam Ryan at mryan@peachtreepres.org  or Mazi Robinson at mazi@lifegatecenter.org.

Moms of Atlanta!  Get your running shoes out and get ready for our race.

Come Mother’s Day, 2012, we’ll be hosting our first ever MamaBear 5K.  We want you to join us!